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Hey,
I have to watch a traffic school video because someone hit my car. It's too complicated to get into on the blog, but I decided to make it a more worthwhile endevor by writing up my thoughts as I'm watching, especially since the tests for these things are REDICULOUSLY easy. Trust me, I've done it before.
"We hope you enjoy the program" Not likely narrator guy...
GOOD GORDO. The guy on this video is wearing suspenders and looks like a sad excuse for a human being. I'm sad this isn't the video I got last time with Hulk Hogan and the Crash Test Dummies... Also, why the hell do they always get no-name stand up comedians to do these driving school videos? I'd rather be taught by Microsoft Sam. OK, the first part of this video, our suspenders wearing hero is doing driving standup. Time being WASTED. People in the audience are laughing, and there is a girl who bleats like a sheep. He's telling a story about his mom beating him and bragging about being in the south. Great! I still haven't learned anything. Except maybe that it's really easy to make up funny stories for a driving course. I could write this material and hire people to laugh at me too. Maybe I should make my own driving school video and get forty dollars per asshole driver.
The only way that they know your watching the video instead of just answering all the easy questions is that they sneak in validation questions. Like Suspenders will be talking and then quickly say a letter you have to right down. Or, worse off, they flash it on the screen while he's talking, forcing you to STOP paying attention to what he's saying and write it down. I'm sure that's good for retention.
O god. When he has to go into listing things on a PowerPoint, it starts playing some wonderful 80s elevator music. I wonder how old this thing is.
He just mentioned his southern childhood again... He says his uncle JimBob or something gave him Hot Wheels and then says REMEMBER THOSE like he was talking about pagers or Furbys. What did the late 80s not have Hot Wheels? This is the introduction to the traffic signs section. This leads me to my next media segment. With no forewarning or reason, right after mentioning traffic signs, we get this lovely clip.
It's like they just discovered New Orleans music while making this video, and HAD to find a place to put it in. Anyway, the rest of this section is nothing but describing street signs. What exactly does this have to do with safe driving? I know it's important for driving, but this is stuff BEFORE you get your licence. Everyone who's driving is REQUIRED to know this stuff. Useless. Now he's describing the FOOD and GAS signs that tell you where a McDonalds is off the highway. This video is for retarded people. Like a quote from this video is "If you're not in the right turning lane, don't turn right" This makes as much sense as asking someone "What time is the 3PM Parade".
If he mentions that he is from Louisiana one more time, I'm gonna look this guy up, go to a stand up show, and throw a box of popcorn as soon as he hits the stage. His southern drawwwwwwl and his tangents into comedy routines are 50% of this video, and I paid 40 BUCKS for this BS.
Section 2! Speeding and why you shouldn't. Remember the phrase "Speed kills"? No, because it's not a phrase anyone would remember or use ever. Yet this video seems to think it's a phrase as popular as "Cool story, bro". Ok, he just started a story "This guy has one of these huge Harley Davidson motorcycle, you ever heard of these things?" YES, EVERYONE HAS HEARD OF THOSE THINGS. This guy is a HACK.
This video was made at least before Cell Phones became common place, because the rules about those are still "upcoming" according to it. The speeding section brings us to our second clip, which acomplishes two things. One, it insults my intelligence. and Two, it mystifies me as to what I am supposed to be imagining. Just watch...
I want to punch this guy in the face more now, and I'm nowhere NEAR done. At least my friendly neighborhood Suspenders man decided to run into a wall for me. I enjoyed this in a sick way. Here's the clip.
Strangely, this leads to him stating ten minutes later that he KNOWS he's annoying and he's sure the best part of the video so far is him hurting himself. If you know he's annoying, and I know he's annoying, WHY IS HE IN THE VIDEO? WHY?
And the clips just keep on coming! I had to include some of this guy's unbelievably bad stand up comedy. Also, this includes one of those amazing head turn transitions that are always in these instructional videos. Enjoy...
Of course, this guy says he NEVER speeds. EVER. Never had to before. Sure man. SURE. You and your Uncle BluJoe must be the best drivers EVER.
This is a specific video for Florida right? Well the guy just told me to NEVER drive in the first HOUR before or after rainfall. Anyone who lives in Florida knows that Rainfall typically lasts 10-15 min and if it's a rainy day it'll be on and off 10 times in a three hour period. So I guess NO ONE SHOULD EVER DRIVE AGAIN.
Fun fact, apparently Drivers always have to give the right of way to people with white canes according to this vid. Pimps everywhere rejoice, you can cross whenever you feel like it!
I'm almost halfway done with this pain and suffering, and two notes here. One, after each section, they say you must pause the video and access the "network". Not sure what that means, I'm already on Verizon. Two, apparently you can get MOST of the verification questions wrong, but as long as a couple are right they don't care. Not enough uncaring to cheat through it, but just enough to annoy you. Wonderful.
Another protip from this video. If you're being tailgated, slow down. Really. Doesn't that only accomplish you getting rear ended? I guess not, that's just being a defensive driver! Another thing you shouldn't do as a defensive driver? Let people go by waving them in. That's illegal apparently, everybody should be jerks on the road all the time. Did you know you're supposed to carry "safety triangles" with you just in case there is a crash? Yup, even though I've never seen this EVER, you're supposed to do it. I'm so glad this video is so up to date and relevant to today's drivers.
Ugh, everything about driving is described in this video. Hydroplaning, When to use high beams, What a turning lane is, how close to stay to a vehicle, EVERYTHING. I thought this was supposed to be a SAFETY course, I already have my licence. It's mind-numbing.
Apparently, puddles on the road could hide 20 foot deep SINKHOLES that will engulf your car and send you to the world of the mole people. Yes, because heavy rain will erode through concrete, cement, and then the earth in about an hour and then shift into an abandoned escape tunnel from the cold war. And then there will be enough rain to cover the ENTIRE hole just before your car hits it. This makes sense. I feel bad for anyone who watches these and takes them seriously. There's enough crap in people lives for them to worry about without worrying about tunnels hidden by puddles of water and maniacs swerving into your lane while shooting them with an AK47. I bet Fox News reporters have seen this video.
Now we go into a section about VEHICLE MAINTENANCE. They're trying to tie it into crashes, but this is just filling time now. I know cars have to have headlights and seatbelts, you can't buy a car WITHOUT these things. You should check your tires DAILY according to this video. DAILY. I guess I'm gonna have to take an extra 20 minutes every morning to make sure my tires are inflated well. Also, I'll have to go take a course on car repair just to start driving again.
Suspenders has topped himself again. When talking about the back dashboard, he goes to some places that idiots dare not tread. Also take notice of the diverse group of actors hired to laugh at this man. They deserve an award. Here's the clip
I don't know what a BOBBIN HEAD DOG is, but he sure seems excited about it.
Now here's the required drinking and driving messages. I wish I could sign up to be straight edge somewhere. Then I could just skip stuff like this cause I'm never going to drink. I doubt there will be anything interesting here. We're even getting into how ANY drugs affect you, going as deep as MODEL GLUE. It's been said many times before, but all this hammering does is make me WANT to make drugs, and i'm straight edge. 15 minutes of this and we're still talking about drugs. I taught school children about how drugs were bad, I should be excused from this idiocy.
At this point, my brain is FRIED. I don't know what to say about this, other then the fact that this isn't the ONLY musical segment of the video. I'll just give you a taste of the TORTURE that I've been watching the last 5 or so hours.
Anyway, I'm off to breeze through the final exam because this was a waste of my time. My years of watching Z grade cinema had not prepared me for the horror that is driving school with Suspenders.
-Pudge
PS. If you ever find yourself on an adventure with Suspenders, and want to keep your sanity intact, the verification letters are as follows-BDABCEBACCEBDBCDEBABEEEACCBBCDCBDDEABCCEABCEBBCDAB. I can only verify they work in the state of Florida, bud I'd try it everywhere else too, since it's the same video every time. Enjoy.
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