Over The Top+Robots=Real Steel: A Movie Review

Real Steel is dumb. It is aggressively dumb, and anyone who has seen even a shred of the marketing knows it's dumb. So the typical audience member for this movie knows what they are in for, and should hope that the film is dumb in a fun way, and for the most part it is. However, there is a lot of gummy cliches and nutty relationships to get through if you want the chewy robot center.

I really wanted to like this movie, and I wanted to turn my brain off. I really did. But Real Steel just kept throwing things at me that made me stop in my tracks. Why it bothered to define it's timeline is beyond me, having the movie set in 2020 does nothing but make me wonder why there is a farmhouse with a gas pump attached in the middle of nowhere, why there is an arena in New York City called the "Bing Arena", why Eminem music is being played, why the small boy talks and dances like he is from the mid 90s. Of course, once you pretend that the movie is taking place in a modern setting, there is a shot of wind turbines or a futuristic phone to remind you that it's the future, and you put your face into your palm. There are a few inconsistencies is what I'm saying.

Speaking of that small boy, he is Jake Lloyd from Star Wars. Not even the same actor, I'm talking about the small child being picked up in a time machine after filming Phantom Menace and being brought in to do this movie. Every line of dialogue has that same weird tone to it, every smirk has that obnoxiousness, I just kept imagining Internet reviewers or Rifftrax going "I'M ACTING!" whenever he talked. It is uncanny.

As for the other human actors in the piece, there are some shining moments, mostly the side characters. They are cliched as hell much like everything else in the film, but they are the fun kind of cliches I wanted more of. But instead of more time with "Fun Jive Talking Black Guy" and "Texas Businessman", we spent most of our time building up the relationship between Hugh Jackman and Jake Lloyd-Clone, and the one between Hugh Jackman and his sorta-kinda-it's a kid's movie so they only kiss love interest. These scenes add nothing to the movie after about a half hour.

As mentioned in the title, most of the father-son relationship stuff was ripped straight out of Over The Top, only instead of being in the midst of the ridiclous truck workouts and arm wrestling, most of the relationship scenes are played straight and separate from the robot fighting. It all makes me wish the film spent more time in the backstage areas of the robot arenas and less time in other buildings. I wouldn't have minded the character development so much if it was taking place in a location more interesting than "Boxing Gym" and "Rooftop Garden".

When the movie does focus on the robot fights, it truly fires on all cylinders. I will admit I gleefully clapped when Atom (the main fighting robot) was introduced as hailing from "Parts Unknown", and the in fight commentary and entrance music really sold the boxing scenes. Overall, you really don't need anything else, as you've seen every non-robot scene in this movie done better in countless other features. I would recommend watching the fight scenes on YouTube or renting the DVD and making it a great 30 min short film instead of a very middling full length feature.

-Pudge

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That Pink Mist

Hey,

 

Seems like this always ends up happening, but another summer has come and gone. This one has been busier then most, as I finally got another job. I professionally watch TV at The Nielsen Company, which is a good gig when I'm not watching Dr. Phil or ABC News (serriously, I can't believe how bad it is. No wonder The Daily Show gets all the ratings.) Anyway, with all the goings on of working, catching up on games, and watching Netflix (just started Mad Men, good stuff) I neglected my writing per usual. So I decided to dig up something I meant to post a while back and put it up. Wrote it for a poetry class, the first thing I wrote for it actually. Probably ended up being the best thing I wrote as well. Please enjoy it, especially all you old and grizzled patrons out there, and (to borrow a phrase) Watch This Space in the future, as the college semester usually jostles some brain cells and gets me creative again. Maybe some of that will end up here.

 

 

That Pink Mist/Duty Calls

Four couches lined together in front of impossibly old televisions
Teenagers staring onward as if they were hypnotized
A concession stand with a strange combination of action figures and edible goods
Posters of Ninja Turtles and Bruce Lee plastered on every wall
The room smelled like the 80s

Leather chairs in front of huge HDTVs

Gamers with headphones screaming commands at their friends

A concession stand with overpriced candy bars and soda

Clean walls with neon lighting

The room smelled like an air freshener

The man behind the counter inquired to my origins
I said I had phoned earlier, my voice quaking like a poor man on a job interview
We shared a laugh at my mother’s conversational skills
He gave me a controller and called for the games to begin
I sat down and grinned, I had never done this before

The man behind the counter blurted out his welcome speech

I had filled out paperwork earlier, he handed me a badge

I pinned it to my lanyard as he turned back to his magazine

I sat down to play a game

As I had done so many times before

At once, the room was filled with the sounds of pop beats and female singers
Another instant, and on the screens the timers counted down
With every second, my inner child was gasping his last breath
With every moment, my thoughts and feelings barrelled towards their death
When it hit zero, I was in heaven

The room was filled with AutoTune and record scratches

I plugged in and the game began

Every second my numb senses try to react

Every moment, my mind empty but for a map layout

When the game ended, I ached for more

Before I was Blank, drifting in a sea of stares, never looking back
I was alone among my peers, so desperate for affection I spurned it
No one before had ever taught me the value of ignorance
And somewhere, in between the bullets and explosions,
I learned how to function

During the game, I was Blank, earning my recognition

My peers and I were on top, beloved by fans and sponsors alike

Ignorant to all who oppose me

And when there aren’t bullets and explosions

I can’t function

All Because of that Pink Mist

Duty Calls

 

 

-Pudge

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FCW Thoughts from 3-16-2011

Hey,

I've mentioned a few times on here my fandom of professional wreslting, and more specifically my attending of FCW, the farm territory for WWE. Something that has been great in the last couple of years has been FCW having shows just 15 min away from my ancestral home in Punta Gorda. It's the best building they wrestle in, so they always have a good who when they come down. Let me put on my Wrestling Fan hat and matching belt and comment a bit on what I saw. If you have no wrestling knowledge, you might as well just skip it, you will not understand half the words i use or anything I'm talking about. Perhpas scroll down and see what else I've written? Or Porn since you're on the internet? But I digress...

 

• The opening contest was Big E. Langston vs some big bald heel guy I don't know. Big E. is a massive Batista type guy, but he also looks like Ezekial Jackson so I don't know how good his prospects are for actually getting on TV. The match was serviceable as a curtain jerker. The only noticeable thing from the match was that people were still getting warmed up as the Heel guy strapped on his first submission hold, and he yelled out something to the effect of "These people don't like you, they hate you." Or something like that. It seemed like something they were trained to do, as a couple other guys did it that night, and it's a real obvious way to get the audience behind one guy. Too obvious, it just takes you out of the match. Big E. eventually squashed the guy.
• Second, we had Smackdown Jobber Trent Baretta vs Brad Maddox. Not a guy I've ever noticed before, especially since they change their names every other week so it's hard to follow a guy unless you really pay attention. Maddox however I will remember, as he had a GREAT gimmick going for him. Trent was already in the ring, Maddox's music hit, and he comes to the ring with two fat dudes holding a portable camcorder and a boom mic. He grabs a portable mic and explains to the audience that we're going to be on national TV because he's filming an episode of "The Brad Maddox Show". Seemed kind of a rip on the whole Matt Hardy mess. Now obviously, not a real thing, but it really sells that Maddox is delusional. Durring the match proper, he kept getting caught up in the ropes, turning to the camera, and explaining to his "audience" what the simple basic maneuver he just did was while the ref kept Trent away because he was in the ropes. Then, for the finish, Maddox was laid out, Trent was about to go for a top rope splash, and the boom mic guy sweeps the leg with the mic, allowing Maddox to pick the scraps and get the victory. I really think WWE could drop this guy onto Smackdown right now with this gimmick and he could go for the IC title, it really works, and the guy was just the right kind of obnoxious to pull it off. Plus, with social media nowadays, you could have him set up a Youtube account and upload footage from his camera onto Youtube, further selling the gimmick to wrestling's huge internet fanbase.
• There was the traditional 8 man FCW "We want to get as many guys on the show as possible" tag match. Nothing really special, other then I got to see former ROH champion Tyler "Seth Rollins" Black and Richie Steamboat do their things and pick up the victory.
• Next, we got what was billed as a "Battle of the FCW Monsters". First out, along with Ricardo Rodriguez (markout moment when I heard that music in person) was Brodius Clay. His opponent was Axel Mulligan, who was obviously the recently booted back to FCW Husky Harris, just under a blue sortof Jason mask. It looked better then I made it sound, and I like that he's using his father's wrestling name Mulligan in the new gimmick. He also showed some of the stuff that made him unique that he hasn't really showed on Raw, like the way he moved around the ring like a four legged animal rather then a man, and the sholder tackles and general fluid motion. One thing I loved was when he got out of the ring, instead of just stepping out, he went limp and fell to the mat before rolling out. It really sold his masked maniac persona. On Raw he just seemed like a fat guy doing splashes, here he looked great. It's obvious he's been working out in the time since he got off of RAW, his brother as well, they're really getting their shit together.
• Brodius Clay didn't want to wrestle Axel, so he told Ricardo to do it, and he luckily had a one piece wrestling suit on under his tux, so he had a good comedy match. Axel of course won, and Brodius continued to show that he's good at looking mean outside the ring. 
• There was a FCW Title match between FCW Champion Lucky Cannon and NXT Season 4 winner Derrick Bateman. First a bit about Derrick, I have NO IDEA what WWE sees in him considering he won NXT over Brodius Clay. Not that Clay is some sort of wunderkind or anything, but Derrick is as generic as hell and the crowd, even the 100 or so in Port Charlotte, could not give a shit about him. Lucky Cannon, after trying and failing at a fan favorite gimmick way back in NXT Season 2, has adopted a heel egotist gimmick. It's been done sure, but it did work from what I saw. Before the match he said how lucky the women were in attendance for getting to see him tonight, and how one lucky woman was going to get to kiss him on the cheek. The woman wasn't really into it, which almost killed the bit until Derrick grabbed a water bottle and threw it at Lucky's head, which I have to admit was smart thinking. After the match, the women did give him a good slap, so she got with the program eventually. Since this is just a house show, Lucky got "lucky" (Built in chant right there) and kept his title.
• The main event of the evening was the Dibiases (Ted and Brett w/ Ted Sr. at ringside) vs the New Colons (Primo and Tito). Ted cut a great promo about how he was disgusted at having to sign and take pictures with everyone in the crowd, which really riled up a few drunkards in the crowd. They precided to get a "Silver Spoon" chant going throughout the arena, and Ted and Brett really got into their faces all throughout their match. Primo and Tito came out after the promo and were almost an afterthought throughout the match. It was ok, but it's obvious neither Colon is going to Raw anytime soon (Which is sad since Primo is technically still on Raw). They strangly sold Brett as sort of a dumbass throughout the match, falling for easy things like "hey, look over there". Serriously, Primo pointed up, Brett looked, and Primo hit a DDT, it was that dumb. Don't know what they're going for there. Ted got the win over Tito (I think, it's really hard to tell the Colons apart they have the same hairstyle) and then both Dibiases went for the Million Dollar Dream, but both Colons got out of it and hit dropkicks pretty much in sync, which was a cool finish.
• That's pretty much it. There was also a Divas match and a match with Conner O' Brian (the rat guy from NXT Season 4) but neither were really that noteworthy. The only other thing that happened was the FCW president came out before one match and brought out a chair to giveaway, only to give it to someont that had helped them at a previous show? Seemed kind of weird and unnecessary, it had nothing to do with the show.

It was a fun night, as it always is. I'm kind of sad about going to FCW shows after going for a while and seeing so many good gimmicks and talents (Kizarney, Alex Riley, Kaval, Abe Washington) go to waste on national TV, but without being a wrestling nerd I was entertained.

-Till next time, so long from the Sunshine State

Pudge

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Pudge Quickie: Freezer Blob

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Hey,

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USF Bull Puns

Hey,

Well, I've finally done it. I just can't take it anymore. They bury me in stupidity every day and I have to fight back. I talk of course about Bull Puns. I currently attend college at the University of South Florida, and their sports team mascot is a Bull. I know this because EVERY SCHOOL FUNCTION'S NAME has to do with bulls. It's maddening how stupid and uncreative it is, and I've decided to submit silent protest in the form of a new Tumblr blog started not 10 minutes ago. Please visit and tell any friends going to USF about my effort, I'll gladly accept any other example of Bull Punnery.

 

http://usfbullpuns.tumblr.com/

 

Hope this post was Accept-a-bull

-Pudge

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Magazine Match

Saw this at Publix. It was weird for a second, then it made sense. Funny...

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Pudgey Adventures Quickie: Italian Festival

Hey,

I went to an "Italian Festival" today in my hometown. This basically ammounts to a bunch of local Italian resteraunts setting up and selling some food, and you can sit and listen to music. There was also a weird side section filled with unrelated goods including a Verizon Wireless booth, a booth for the local Baseball team, and a booth selling Jewish woodwork. It was strange.

 

But the real reason I'm writing today is not because of the very good food or the unrelated booths, it was the music decorating the whole event. For about 80% of the time we were there, this was the music that we were listening to.

Doo-Wop. Serriously. Why? I mean, beside the fact I live in Florida? Sometimes I wonder about people... Anyway, I'm off to go watch the Royal Rumble with friends, and I hope this small bit of craziness has lightened your day.

-Pudge

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Born to Raise Hell Review

Quick plug for a new movie review I posted over at Screened.com. Check out my thought's on Steven Seagal's latest Direct to Video adventure.

http://www.screened.com/born-to-raise-hell/16-197286/user-reviews/?review_id=3205

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Pudge and LunaTik's Flea Market Adventures

Hey,

So there I was, minding my own business the day before the start of my college semester. Just put in a season of the Office to the ol' 360, was ready to have a lazy day. My phone rings and it's my good friend LunaTik, asking if I would like to join him on a trip to the flea market. I get giddy at the thought, and off we go to the land of low prices, lower quality control, and general insanity. I didn't even know it when I walked in, but a quick tour of the place, and I knew I had to document what I was seeing around me, so future generations could revel in the bullshittery that I was experiencing. What follows below is a photo tour of what I saw this day along with running commentary of what I can remember. Enjoy the fruits of my labor of spending an entire day looking like an asshole with a camera at a flea market.

We began our journey at the "One Dollar Store", which isn't so much of a store as it is a franchise when it comes to Tampa Flea Markets. After walking around two separate yet ajacent markets, I can say this with authority. Strangely, all of them seem to have the same mysterious slogan of "Some Items A Dollar and Up", which not only implies that there are items above and below a dollar, but undermines the very title of the store itself. Wonderful.

After looking around a bit, we were welcomed by this sign above a table with stacks upon stacks of T-Shirts. Several questions are raised here. Was this sign put up after an incident of people maliciously knocking over T-Shirts and then running off giggling like Snidely Whiplash? Or is it merely a precaution? If I did happen to unfold a bunch of shirts and try to leave, what kind of security would I be met with? Could they legally detain someone who refuses to fold shirts? What if a limbless blind man knocks over shirts, would he be trapped in there forever? These are the questions people.

No good flea market would be complete without a Wall O Tiki adorned with every wall decoration you need to make your friends think you went to Hawaii last summer. Nothing much more to say, other than I heart those Monster's Inc. bean bag chairs.

On to one of the surprising patterns of our trip, the persistent presence of stacks upon stacks of loose ShamWows. I would just say Shammies, but since they are stamped very clearly "Made in Germany" I know it's the good stuff Vince was talking about. When I took this picture, I was baffled by their advertisement of ShamWows as "blankets" and "comforters". Perhaps they had confused them with the similar "As Seen on TV" hit Snuggies? But then, as the trip went on, I kept seeing piles of these things loose everywhere.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

I mean every shopkeep had enough ShamWows to run their own infomercials on late night TV. Is this where ShamWows come from? Did Vince Offer just go to a flea market and clear it out of Shammies, then go home and shoot a commercial? It still baffles me.

Then we have this sign. Referencing what I counted to be three shirts, a reminder that they are "Man's Wear" along with a reminder that "We do Wholesale!" and a sentence in Spanish. There were at least 5 other similar signs around this particular "One Dollar Store". At least they were consistent. 

Just in case anyone was wondering at this point when they could go to the wonderful flea market in their home town, let me bring you down to earth with this charming picture of a used pot with old crusty food in it. Also, according to LunaTik, it smelled awful. This is no random picture, they were selling this and expecting money to take it off their hands, not giving you money to take it away. 

But for every awful crusty pot, you also get gems like this half-assed Obama support shirt that I'm sure has been on the rack since mid 08. You can't get clip art quality shirts like this anywhere on the Internet, you can only find them in barely functioning bazaars like this one.

Here we have the Random Assortment of Super Heroes made in a Chinese Factory Playset. Another staple of horrible flea markets, this pack pictures a world where the Justice League consists of Black Robocop, Bug Eyes Batman, Spiderman, General Zod in a Superman Suit, and not one but TWO Red Power Rangers. Mr. Incredible is obviously the Professor X of the group, preferring to stay in the shadows and give orders from the Incredicave. All the Super Heroes Is Come!! indeed.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Not to be out done by the Justice League, this toy isle also contained the worst action figure interpretations of professional wrestlers ever seen by man. LunaTik holds Babyface Kane, and I say this not because he is a good guy, but because he literally has the face of a baby. I also took a picture of a Jeff Hardy so buff he must have been exercising with the included steel chair accessory, which is comically larger then the actual action figure. Unless the huge chairs are meant to signify that this is a line of "WWE Babies" action figures, which would make a lot of sense considering the time it takes for WWE to catch on to a fad.

In this strange isle populated by baby wrestlers and nonsensical superheroic teamups, what better way to shove more brands in then by painting cheap toy cars! Pictured is Ben 10-mobile, just one of several brands represented in the car toy department. Most of them seem to have been picked by the theme of new enough to not have cheap toy ripoffs but still old enough that people in China are aware of them. Anyway, I was about to say goodbye to the toy isle when I saw a toy that must have been designed by Freddy Krueger himself. Go on if you dare.

Extreme Rules

Just got the tix in the mail, im really going!

-Pudge

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